2010 HATFIELD SEXUAL SURVEY

Meaningless sex is better than meaningful celibacy, according to the World Cup 2010 end of year poll conducted by Hanningtonsbraai.

Most of the respondents were foreign affairs studying and living in South Africa.

They were the sleaziest from Kenya, Tanzania, Uganda, Rwanda, Congo and Zimbos!

This was discovered after many girls and boys were asked about the sexual life of studying and living in South Africa.

Many agreed, they would rather engage in meaningless hammering in order to spice up their stay in a harsh and unforgiving yet great country.

But they emphasized that the sex is always discreet in order to protect their moral fibres imported with them from home. Yes! imported with them...

Those women who are lucky enough to have creamy pies; morality is always getting in the way-a constant battle of a sort.

And usually as it often happens, the creamy pie wins.

Many argued that its coz the creamy pie is a powerful kink-o-meter, tough to control especially in the presence of love (disputed), the cold winter nights, and the large cocktails served in Newscafe.

One girl even went as-far-as attributing it to the food (spare ribs hee! hee!) saying that that’s why even the local girls are sex- crazed.

But the highlight of the study is that many respondents especially Ugandans admitted that the "meaningless sex is rife and actually meaningful"

"We usually do it after braais (something meaty!!), in Stones (pigsty), and whenever we at our balls (oops!) halls of residence"... Namichila, said.

"Hannington, its tough spending the whole year crossing the legs yet one can get-away with it if done discreetly"

"...and the good thing is that our boyfriends back at home understand the situation.

So asked "isn’t that cheating...?" "Yes, Hannington, it is but its not like he's is going find out"

For Tanzanians (crack-heads), on top of the desire to be dominated, spanked, they like it in the rear, something that one Mwalimu agreed that "is the best"...Sies!

Most Kenyans (Migingo Islands) agreed that cheating on your partner is the best way of solving relationship woes, something I fully agree with.

Whereas most Ugandan men agreed that if there's no kiss by the end of the first date, there's clearly no chemistry and I'm moving on.

Rwandese succulent mango-girls agreed that they are always tight-marked by their fellow Rwandese men, a symbol of protectionism.

But one girl named Tulikumana said, "...it’s just a waste of time. We are slippery Kigali nipples who enjoy breaking loose any minute."

Asked about the whole garbage of love, there was a chorus of admission that it’s the greatest human stupidity ever... but all agreed that it’s over rated and quite a painful thing for no clear reasons!

One shocking part of the survey was a girl from Sudan who puts sugar inside herself to make sure that her boyfriend stays around... Mhmm! Sugar inside yourself...? Why not tomato paste?

A guy from Congo complained that he doesn't seem to get the respect he deserves from his neighbours simply becoz his girlfriend is so loud!

ASSOCIATION OF UGANDAN PROFESSIONALS IN SOUTH AFRICA

Everybody knows the rules of a party... eat before you leave!

And this will apply fearlessly tomorrow at the AUPSA (http://www.aupsa.org.za/) end of year function.

I swear, no Ugandan community organisation is more effective at bleeding direction and purpose than the above mentioned.

For the past 2 years, AUPSA (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=121250951785) has been home to hundreds of Ugandan corporate rat racers, skirt chasers, entrepreneurs, and all sorts of individuals.

Grateful for having a life; these folks have perfected the “spirit of community gatherings”.

AUPSA is a consolidated gang of hipsters high on Crackberries facebooking, sipping champagne, playing scrabble and busy going forward.

Although, it’s non-political, many members’ debate humungous groundbreaking ideas, only matched by no other.

Soulful meetings where business ideas are exchanged, employment prospects are laid bare etc, AUPSA is the name of the game.

Here you will find engineers who concretised global infrastructures, lawyers who defend the indefensible, sick medical doctors, broke financial gurus, artists, NGO experts, web gurus (Mugisha Peter), accountants whose skills in cooking facebooks are heavens etc.

It’s also a haven of many young corporates too busy cooperating with their bosses; they don’t have the time to find a partner, date or later on sit down and enjoy an ice cream.

They turn to AUPSA and in exchange, they meet their matches thereby flushing down the curse of loneliness.

Over-done filthy bachelors who are waiting for Mrs. Right to appear...? AUPSA welcomes all.

But one will also meet pretty and content women.

Most living an affluent life, driving their Vulvas (oops! Volvos); these girls know what they want. Question is ... “why can’t u get it?”

It’s also the cultural melting pot of Ugandans, accommodating all sorts of accents, noses, buttocks and heads.

Some have families to take care of while others have bonds to look after.

So come be party to this group. For only R100, life will never be the same again.

Food, a cash bar, braai and a jumping castle... all awaiting.

Tomorrow, one lucky bastard will also win a return air ticket to Uganda, a weekend sleeparound at Inkwazi Guest House, and lots of other prizes to give away.

Venue is Indzawo Guest House, Glen Austin, Midrand, 322 Van Riebeck Road.

Time is 2pm till morning.

Cu

Your sex guide to December holidays!

We live in a sex-obsessed society. Everywhere u enter its sex, sex and more sex. But what’s wrong with this?

If u don’t want and tired, go to some other society, somewhere where dogs just stare at each other.

Sex is a function of biology and evolution, so it’s fair we meet and fulfill all the urges whether with your girlfriend or not. (Me, I have one so no time to be funny, hee! hee!)

Now, in small towns of Hatfield, Sunnyside and other supplying points; at this time of the year life starts slowing down like boiling milk removed from the fire.

It’s that time of the year when the rolling of eyes is done for now until new products are brought on the shelf, next year.

January is a time for the fresh doughnuts from the villages all over Uganda and statements like “nga uve changed!” A polite way of saying uv grown fat and ugly with slight wrinkles.

Students, many who have spent the whole year acting porn, while others been rejected by boys for entirely clear reasons…are done with exams and busy packing for far-away lands where there's no even access to facebook.

But it’s also time to brush up the American accents ready for Effendy’s and Zanzi the pig joint. Yes, order for pork chops in an Afrikanner-American tongue.

For many black children, from the rest of Africa, it’s the last time to bite bread mixed with meat and nivea like stuff called mayonnaise.

But how abt those who can’t and don’t want to go home?

Here is your guide to a blissful December holiday:

Uc, South Africa can tend to be a lonely plot, during x-mass. For boys, it’s even worse coz all the naked girls are gone.

But over time, I have learnt, meaning to life is as far as one wants to find it.

You don’t have to hit the pedals because he or she is out of sight…. If anything, time to explore new routes, time to check out new sights and sounds, and a time to rediscover yourself.

I have also learnt that just as there are girls who quit the suburban male race, hundreds are ready to come to the big cities for some excitement.

All they want is accommodation and be ready to tour around. The topics of conversation with such girls’ shd be abt shopping malls, bumping into soapie stars, and a good time.

If you have been longing to take a road trip to the land of pretty women, (Eastern Cape), this is the time. Forget Cape Town, Durban, blah, blah… EC is the place.

With 2 dozens of wellington boots, you will have a truly amazing experience. Life is cheap (and indeed can be cheap if ur not careful) while there.

Xhosa women can be a festival of a sort. Burning and sensational in all ways. They know how to care of a needy man.

Don’t miss. If u need connections, I have quite a number of contacts there (remember I once worked in the then University of Transkei).

Just come to the braai this Saturday, then will scroll in my wallet. Hee!

AFRIGO BAND: Ugandans in South Africa to hold referendum on what time a concert should start.

We all know keeping time is the most difficult thing, harder than buying a wrist watch.

But for some reason it becomes harder when one is Ugandan...

And this was no more evident than at the Afrigo Band concert.

It’s Saturday 6 Nov., I had just come back from picking samosas from Curry Mucherville, in Labium (oops! Ladium) when the clouds started pissing on my head.

As usual, at this time of the year, the spring heat of Pretoria was busy assaulting anyone who came face-to-face with it.

Then at around 4pm, the body count started, one-by-one heading into Rembrandt Hall Arena of the University of Pretoria.

As evident in the parking lot, all human interactions has been stripped down to materialistic components; big cars, crying blackberries, sounds of high heels pounding the medieval concrete... Ugandans know best to live!

It's a mixed crowd of largely the old faithfuls; some as old as the mighty band itself, who like it live...Hmmm! Who have never bought into the whole concept of Cd's... Think big!!

A scene of festive commotion brewing and for the organisers, the pulses start pounding; apprehensive as to what to expect.

But again a time to be "real men" and be ready to live with any consequences anticipated or real.

It’s also the fatigue that’s visiting on everyone who’s part of this: Dr. Lubega, Dr. Wasswa (Financiers), CharlesMugerwa (Director PAMATA), Julius Kyakuwa (Creative Director and Artistic guru-PAMATA) Ronnie Nsubuga(Sound and Light Engineer) and myself, publicity and marketing.

All the above, are highly talented and focused individuals apart from the last chap…

Even with the scores of events I have been part of, Afrigo tour was on another level. I am already, tired and exhausted.

It’s a 16-band member (oops! the other way other round, member band), who have been in the business of show business for over 30 years.

Surely, such guys know what they want. How the stage should be set-up. They are clued up on what to do… They have been there and done it all.

But this is a virgin territory, a new place never seen before. It’s South Africa, the United States of Africa and the Europe of the black continent and the UN crime capital.

A place where partying, clubbing and having a good time is woven in every inhabitant. The most favoured country on the continent by international artists and bands.

For those who had not bought their tickets earlier, the raids on the wallets is about to begin; and it’s not a cheap concert for sure.

But as the clock ticks to the final hour of the start, the initial joy is fading, it's panicking…real challenges kick in.

Computicket, the guys charged with selling and issuing of door-tickets are nowhere to be seen. Bloody idiots!

The guys charged with catering are also no where in sight. Some hungry revellers are seen chewing cud, while others sucking their thumbs.

I quickly set up a canteen behind to try capitalise. I had my samosas and mandazi ready. I had gotten my microwave from the house.

I asked friends (Emmy, Tendo and Winnie) who had not yet arrived to come with some drinks and snacks. We will make a killing, I suppose. They responded on time and there we were doing it like typical immigrants.

But guys are hungry and thirsty and while being part of the organisers, I am ready to walk around with a basket full of drinks and and snacks.

They are waving placards like "We need a drink to enjoy a concert" and others "My wife refused to cook me last night, I will eat some one else"

More questions hover for the organisers: What next, shall we pull this off and the big one “Will Afrigo mirror Juliana (graveyard thriller) who so many Ugandans in South Africa loathe/hate for her terribly poor performance”

Surely, the night is further from over. No time to relax.

It's exactly 8pm and the show is underway. I bounced/clapped/sang and cheered in my seat while scrutinizing every aspect of the show.

But the crowd is too distant from the band. It's easy to see the space between... not how bands are supposed to play out.

Pretty much every track they played sounded ace, but in particular Obangaina by Rachel. The guys are busy nailing the crowd.

Everyone of the dream chasers seems alive and twilighting. Carnage on the dance floor.

As usual, cash is thrown on the stage. One gentleman asks for a song "Man U (Manchester United) and tags R500 on it. Its played out.

But many also considered the hall as not the best for a live band. The musicians apparently like to be this close to their audience, too.

They argued that "The proximity of a huge surging crowd apparently has a galvanising effect on the finest musicians. It makes them play out their skins"

Concert goers need to feel that hurricane blasts of noise from the sound of guitars to accentuate showmanship.

But it's 2 hours into the show and although the VIP is overflowing, the numbers on the dance floor are not a good count! Where are the rest?

Word has it, a large section of the community live a cockroach life. Night-owls who think and act best in the night.

So starting a concert at 8pm is way too early for them. Most of them want it at least at midnight...What? Yes, around 12...!

Most of these are the witch doctors who by-the-way are more reliable spenders and likely to fire-up any flagging show.

Others are astute smart entrepreneurs who run their own businesses and truth be told, have some how made it by all accounts.

They might not have the best name, but at least they do possess the most cash and the more time.

The end is nearing. Security is getting ready to clear the arena.

And alas, at 10:30pm, the show is done... a sort of premature ejaculation.

The white man who owns the venue and part of the agenda, needs go home, so shd black man with the exception of the guard.

I am given a few minutes to announce the after-party at Just Cuban, Hatfield. DJ Mark is busy the other sidegetting ready to slaughter anyone who gets close to him.

But outside the venue, hundreds of faithfuls were queueing to enter... and it's coming to 11pm.

And the question is "Whats wrong with Ugandans and time keeping?

Some were holding manuals with common titles like "101 ways of getting into festivals for free" and others just seemed lost.

They cry foul... Some complaining why the so called professionals venture into areas they don't know.

It's clear, the happy and satisfied are glowing while the rest look dejected.

The after-party with Afrigo's presence was so packed and good that its possible it assuaged some peoples' anger.

Bottomline: While the band played to a crowd of 427 people, for 2 and half hours non-stop, the venue was a wrong choice. Security was overhyped. Ambulance was not needed.

Cheers!

AFRIGO BAND ALIVE IN SOUTH AFRICA

Nature relies on instinct and so do peoples and their music.

On the 6^th of Nov, 2010, (this week) as the sun sets on the lush green lawns of University of Pretoria Sports ground, music and dance will once again be the centre of attraction.

It won’t be the usual hannington’s braai (facebook group) that have long been the tradition of the place.

Instead, it will be a mother of all shows, a performance and possibly a music fest never seen before.

Afrigo Band, Uganda’s oldest and most celebrated band will be performing live for the first time in South Africa.

Right inside Rembrandt Hall at the Tuks Sports ground, it will only be entertainment and sound.

A band which has been voted number one in Uganda and other parts of the world as the most popular by demand, opinion and by popular vote will dazzle all.

A 16-person line-up of cult personalities like lead singer and front-man Moses Matovu, then Joanita Kawalya, Rachael Magoola, Eddy Yawe and Congolese dance specialists; a glorious night awaits all revelers.

This will also double as a grand launch of PAMATA (Pan African Music And Theatre Arts), local dance, theatre and arts group. Visit www.pamata.co.za

It promises to be a scorching performance on the hottest night of the South African party calendar.

Keyboard maestros, accomplished saxophonists, the Jimmy Hendrix re-incarnations massaging the guitars, fine drummers complimented by gorgeous voices; this will be a night of hip-swinging and life-enhancing splendour.

A music extravaganza with a typical sense of African rhythm; this promises to set everyone on fire. Miracles will happen... Those unable to shake their waists will rise up and feel the beat.

With huge singles like Speed, Jim, Obangaina, Amazzi g’enyama to their latest hits..., this only once-in-a-life time show will rock everyone.

The question is: Where will you be when history is unfolding? Why short-change yourself to a lukewarm evening when you can actually celebrate life like never before?

Come live rent-free for a whole night on a floor that will explode into a raging dance fest of drums, reggae and afro pop!

If you have so little in terms of financial wealth; but so rich in spirit of togetherness, then for only R300, this will be an unforgettable night.

Special sitting for those who wish to be pampered will come at a cost of R500.

And if you are a scholar, for R150 only, you will have the best end-of-year party.

All these categories are available at all Computicket outlets countrywide, though doing it fast might save you from any regrets!

For me there has been only one BAND overs years that has remained transfixed in sheer perfection, great voices that come piercing through the illusion of daily life, its beauty and challenges. AFRIGO BAND...

Cu later in the week!

hanningtonsbraai.blogspot.com: Comments are welcome!

The many articles I have written (HANNINGTON'S BRAAI facebook group) over time have drawn widespread comments in my inbox. Some positive some negative, hot and cold.

That's fine. In fact, its healthy to comment on anything.

I have been advised by some to take up writing, while others remind me how gifted I am like I don't know whats in my pants...hee! hee!

A few have been advised to hook up with guys like Sagara, Ernest Bazanye, and Timothy Bukumne, but not any women. Sad!

Guys like Appolo, Bukenya Moses, Emmy, Tendo, Craig, Kato, Shema, Felix, Bale, Stella Nambalirwa, Allen, David, Peter, Kiyingi (I have never mate), Moe in Canada, Sharon, Emma, Mubiru Edward (Botswana), Grace Mukwaya (hannington, ur wasting your talent...), Judith, Ikote, Jackie, Edgar Katiti and so many others... Ur the reason why I am still passing out these windy messages

It's also true, people have kicked me out of their networks (facebook) coz of the offensive, controversial, bigotry and abusive language I use.

I have been rebuked, ridiculed and even called a "not fit for a dog's breakfast" by some ugly woman in Cape Town who I suspect sleeps with her dog.

Others think I need psychiatric evaluation... Who doesn't?

One member thinks I might be a good screw while another thinks I suffer from premature ejaculations...hee! hee!

One even thought I was married..."Hannington don't you fear your wife reading this"

"Hannington, do u realise ugot family...Can u imagine what Napo feels when she reads this...blah, blah

Hannington's braai has even two departed souls (R.I.P) who I think about every other day!

These are people who will never "leave" this group. And I will never stop celebrating them...

But some are also eagerly waiting for the kind of woman I will marry coz I am so harsh on ugly girls...But it's not my fault!

In fact I don't know why such don't also wait for God who created these creatures... Why me?

But friends, its all fine and healthy. In fact I don't mind meat some at street corners and other in my shower-hour and I sort them out...

Hannington's Braai as a groupie, I must admit, has and is a success phenomenal.

It brings me immense pride and joy. I engineer statements and twist grammar without any worry.

But it also brings me pressure especially when I take long to write. I meat people who ask me "When is the next article...?

It even has members I have never mate...hee! hee!

There are arnd 30 people who I actually don't know and are not even my friends on facebook although one day I am sure I will meat them in hell...

Many have been longing for a blogging site where they can freely express themselves.

hanningtonsbraai.blogspot.com.

Some garbage written still needs to be uploaded. Uc its a lot of trash!

Otherwise enjoy so far whats on your plate... hee! hee!

I thank you! Keep reading!

Uganda Society Dinner: Thank you all!

Some parties are indeed designed to put a smile on your face.

You will look forward to it, prepare for it and attend it without a second thought.

And when you are on it just like….you all know, you see why “it’s so nice living and that why life is so good”

A beautiful well decorated Inkwazi Country Lodge-which by the way keeps growing and changing by sunrise was the scene of one of the best parties of 2010-2ND Annual Uganda Society Dinner.

Pretty-legged Kim Kardashian-bottomed girls with golden brown thighs contrasted in black, red, satin blue stylish evening dresses expensively-looking as ever roaming the lush well pedicure and manicured lawns.

These girls all looked so great and inviting, seemingly ready-to-play like kittens on a Turkish-fur rug.

And I am saying this coz Uganda girls tend not to be hot. They have that habit-perfected over generations of a cold front hanging in both their faces and mouth.

They have that facial-habit of “I won’t give you until I get to know your parents”. 

"U are not my favourite horoscope so we can’t kiss…" "U can’t stand so close to me coz people will think u want to enter me…" blah, blah and that sort of garbage.

But that Saturday night was all different! They all looked firely, lively and on the go. Succulent faces were all over.

These same green lawns also hosted scores of prickly men in black suits and fat wallets ready to mingle and bingo. 

Many were responsible for the mean machines paraded like it was Jacob Zuma and his cabinet.

Meanwhile the team behind the scenes Alma, Patricia and President Kazoora were busy doing their thing-rummaging through, chocolates cakes, gifts and making sure all is well.

The best dressed girl Keliza was worthy the present and I am sure Roland complimented her with another massive one. 

Past President Natacia Mpanga who initiated the idea was also mugged with a present. Quincy in his penis-erect tie scooped the best dressed male.

I also received one for refusing to grow up and preying on innocent students even when I know they are not yet ready! Hee! Hee! I am so humbled and thank you.

Defiant DJ Mark spinning up the hits right behind the machines smiling and humbly-looking as usual.

In all fairness, such scenes are not usual in today’s times of recession and persistently low quality people.

The Kenyan delegation of 8 led by Mr. Rottock Tall, entrepreneur and brains behind Expatriate magazine (wonderful, wonderful stuff) with his hot Carol…Oh! Carol… graced the occasion. Three other hot Kenyans girls spiced the event. 

This is a vote of confidence given they were coming from their own societal dinner.

But why are good MC’s so scarce? Is it coz of facebook/ twitter or …. The genes of wonderful and humorous MC’s is depleting.

And again, why is rice so difficult to cook? Chinese and many others flat-iron bottomed squinted eyed Orientals are all over. Surely, the chef shd have contacted the Chinese embassy.

It was indeed a big and successful day. My father, baby sister and brother attended. May be they were proud of me...

Till next year, just stay tuned for AUPSA and Afrigo.
Nice week!

Uganda Society Dinner: A night of hip-swinging and life-enhancing splendour.

Humans are the only animals that organise parties… Dogs only wag their tails! That’s all!

Sadly even when true, most people never have fun at parties. They think they did once, and so think they will again, but really they are only recalling the false memory imprinted thru’ the hopeful DNA of their ancestors.

Perhaps someone once, a very long time ago, possibly in a cave, had a really good party. Perhaps…!

But we keep going back, we keep trying again, believing and hoping that may be this time we will be better, this time we will connect and feel fellowship and have a fantastic time.

And that’s a beautiful thing, donkeys don’t have that… 

But sometimes it’s the desperate faith that tonight might just lead to fun or joy or at least some part-time elevation of spirits that pulls us thru.

And without the shimmering hope that this event could be different, could in some way bring us closer to other humans and leave us more fulfilled in ourselves; a party is a party. 

It’s just a gathering of loud, mad, drunk and crazy lunatics high on energy and low on inhibitions.

It’s this attitude that separates a miserable loner from a social creature.

This party will be the centre of the social universe. It’s not just fine food and champagne that tops the list; it’s also the appealing chics, the decor, the gr8 perfumes, the music by DJ Mark...blah, blah!

It's Happiness! 

Cu!

JSE-AUPSA Seminar: Reading bullet points doesn't turn you into a bullet.

Any seminar on a Saturday morning is like shooting one’s self in the scrotum.

In fact, I would rather go to the flea market and buy myself a new set of second-hand underwear than wake up on a Saturday morning for a money-jargoned lecture.

Now, Ive always argued, any yappings connected to money, finances or dimes should be conducted by naked women in silhouettes and without bra’s. Men should just sit and watch….. It’s just my way of thinking!

But guys, hands up if any one of you would kill a Friday night drink at Newscafe for a Saturday morning drivel on stocks? Lets count…dah, dah, two three five…yes 6 out of 60.

Here I was last Saturday in one. The AUPSA-JSE talks on Financial Independence. What???

The seminar started slightly behind schedule in the majestic towers of JSE. Never before had I been to the building of a sort; clean and nice air.

But what I suspect is, in order to be allowed in such buildings, u need to at least look like someone that has milk back at home in your fridge.

As it so happens the first casualty on such a day is the dress code. Here we are with meat cooks dressed as corporates and corporates masquerading as money…

Finger fucking licking foods greeted us; very tasty given the previous night guzzling.

And predictably like a church, a show on finances is likely to attract “poor-but-serious about life” faces. For they have more hope than the rest.

So here we are cruising with history of trash on JSE at full steam.

The modest but boring presenter painstakingly assaults us with jargon, slowly but surely. Stocks, dogs, index finger, closing, trading traders…blah, blah…

Intense concentration (mother of boredom) suddenly engulfs the room. The not so gifted started yawning while the more innovative ones switched to facebook raspberry.

I got up and borrowed a camera from Mr. Rottock, head of the Kenyan delegation. 

At this time the AUPSA chairman came in to try rescue the fractured crowd. He kind of succeeded.

But guys, weekends, just like life (are) to precious and short to spend one’s time on funeral policies and life-after-death grants.

And what’s with white people’s obsession with graves? Dying is a dull dreary affair for chrissakke!

May be coz I am not a member of the Corporate World Club, that’s why my patience is always at threat.

But it seems to me that corporate culture is likely to be the leading cause of poverty suicide in the future.

Corporates are notorious for forcing down power point bulleted trash inform of hanging flat screens.

The prey on the half asleep and previously drunk to make their powerless points!

For R5O, the floor, organisation, food, drinks and distance were worth it. But again, if I had spent half of that on the net reading the capitalist nigger and the other half on original nik-naks and lipton cold-tea. 

Surely I would sit under a tree and enjoy the crumbling citadels of capitalism and its trash.

The nedbank guy, David Iraka did extremely well in his Carducci suit.

The views expressed here are from my head and not from AUPSA.

Money, Money, money....

1. As part of Uganda's 48th Independence Day anniversary celebrations, The Association of Uganda Professionals in South Africa, in collaboration with The Johannesburg Stock Exchange invite you to an exclusive seminar on: "The Business of Me: Personal Financial Independence"

This seminar is open to all those Ugandans and friends of Uganda, who are willing and ready to learn; prepared to abandon myths or pre-conceptions and think laterally.

The topics to be covered are as follows:

- What the Johannesburg Stock Exchange is all about;
- Relevance of the JSE in the economic system;
- Markets & Products;
- Methods of trading and benefits of investing on the exchange;
- Investing responsibly;
- Staying informed about stock markets and market influences; and
- The JSE involvement in Africa.

For R50, all the above knowledge will be in your nut and may be u will run nuts one day when rich!

Time is 9 -12h. and Venue is JSE auditorium at 1 Exchange Square, Gwen Lane, Sandown in Sandton.

So all are encouraged to attend.

Bumper weekend! Never too late to pick any!

1. Bring and braai 2moro at 5pm at Menlyn place, Emmy's house. Its Kato' b.day and its Idd celebrations. Pillao on the house. These 2 guys are the two reasons why Hannington's Braai and butcheries keeps going strong, harder and smoothly! Pole-position! Come eat a some nyama choma!

2. Its International Students (University of Pretoria) soccer tournament. Last year Uganda hammered Kenya, Tanzania, Zim, and YES! ANGOLA. They went on to lift the Mug and Beans! They need your support. Is at LC.

3. True Story entertainment brings you Old Skool music (soul and funk)party at Just Cuban, Hatfield. Yes! The double-storied barnyard animal farm. Girls rememeber to dress them short and I will look up 2u! hee! hee! DJ MARK will screw us live, hard and direct! Be there!

Then, the last one is...aaaaaaa???? ooops! Ive forgoten!

Anyone interested in the interview?

Dear Sir

I am a Tanzanian journalist, currently on a three-month internship at the Mail & Guardian.

M&G education editor David Macfarlane is supervising my research on students from elsewhere in Africa who are currently enrolled at South African universities, whether for postgraduate programmes or undergraduate ones.

The research will hopefully lead to an article in the M&G on opportunities at South African universities for students from the African continent, based on interviews with such students whom I am hoping will share their views on their experiences in this country – eg the academic experiences, the challenges and benefits of being a foreign student, etc.

I would be very grateful, therefore, if you could put me in touch with students from other African countries whom you know to be studying now at any South African universities.

Regards,

Jiang Alipo.

Iddy el' Fitr on Kato's b.day against burning the Quran...This Saturday!

In an environment where the landscape is dotted with butcheries, an assortment of drumsticks in miniskirts, Kentucky Fried Chicken and condoms, fasting is the hardest to attempt.

Trouble with Ramadan is; it’s associated with excessive ascetic practices like abstinence from food and fasting sex.

So ancient and outdated is such that these days it’s left to celebrities who do it for vanity in order to look slim. 

We all know, it’s a positive virtue to satisfy every human desire...So why get a hard-on and look the other way instead of approaching her and hammering the hell out of her.

In Ramadan, one is also more likely to encounter the smell of bad breath than the aroma of meat burning somewhere. 

It’s simply coz guys spend the whole day without opening their mouth and when they do, its disaster.

U not even allowed to brush in the morning coz Colgate could taste like tart and end up eating the whole tube.

In South Africa, its even tougher coz it comes at a time when short skirts are out on top of braai stands.

And bcoz the SHORT SKIRTS ARE OUT WITH THE SUN, and BUTCHERIES are wide open...this Saturday we will celebrate the end of starvation by eating Iddy. We will compensate for all the self-induced hungers sex strike abstinence.

It also happens to be Kato's b.day! So Emmy the serious Moslem will pull out pillao and we will come with the meat. It's at 2pm at Menlyn Place. 

Come with your mother fuckin' drinks!!
Cu!

Horny Ugandans in trouble..

Last Saturday was a Uganda Society party at Just Cuban, Hatfield. 

Altho' the turn- up was good; it was hardly a Ugandan event. 

I could count no more than 25 Ugandans...Something I found rather unusually strange.

Ugandans here in South Africa are known to be the "party horniest" bulls n cows there is! When it comes to organising and dancing, its very difficult to beat us...

But this time around, things seemed a bit different!

Yes! Ugandans were out-numbered at their own party! Prompting many to ask...WHY?

One thing for sure, there seems to be a feeling of general music fatigue, party over-partying and dance apathy... 

We have had so many parties (not by U Soc.) in one venue-Just Cuban that its now dubbed Uganda night club. 

Trouble is that this particular venue is not nice. Its like a double storied barn with cows upstairs and pigs/dogs downstairs. An animal farm of a sort.

Altho' occasionally the pigs/dogs downstairs can peep under the cows dresses and get some excitement.

Some argue, that Ugandans have run so broke to afford R30, that they wd rather spend such on MTN airtime and blackberry their friends on facebook; something I partly believe...

A few say that it was poor advertising and the party was on such a brief notice, something I don't buy! 

Others point to emerging Kenyans who have pulled their weight in terms of partying lately. (We all know Kenyans can only do one thing-drink beer)

And as the saying goes "the more u run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets"

Bye!

Bring n Braai this Saturday...

Now that the sun is out, meat eaters all over shd start watching out for idiots who attempt to pass-out wind as evidence that meat eaters are
responsible for Global Warming.

We are not!!!

In fact most vegetarians are perverts cum misguided lunatics devoid of decency! They are useless mammals who are responsible for their own misery!

We shd reject them and if possible beat them up for lying to the world that meat is bad!

So, all those who believe in a progressive human race, lets join hands this Saturday and eat meat. 

Venue is our spiritual grounds, LC, University of Pretoria.

Come with your bloody drinks n meat!

Ragga Dee Concert 21 August, Pretoria.

Ugandans in South Africa will be hauled to courts one of these days for garbage trafficking.

Garbage trafficking is a treasonous crime under international law that involves cross-border movement of junk food artists from one country to another.

The flag bearer is Chameleon, the Leg-breaker who trying to flee after fleecing sm promoter in Tanzania succeed in breaking her tibia/fibula. This bugger is a class apart. 

Legacy Sound and Entertainment tried to bring this guy into SA…we even paid a deposit upon signing the contract, the motherfucker has never honored till today.

Then we romped in a fuckin drunk Juliana whose stage name is Suck My Dick. She came to SA, went on stage straight from her bedroom gym managed by some penis; mimed 3 songs…She spent most of the time coughing and swallowing the slimy stuff! Idiot!! 

People paid a lot for her concert and up to today, I am still doing some explaining to the so many disgruntled and dissatisfied goers, including eminent members of the Ugandan community

Since then a hell lot of garbage has been flowing from Uganda to SA. Bobi Swine, Bebe Crook, I-ran Namubiru etc.

Oscof, a few successes can be mentioned like Peter Miles, Radio and Weasel, Navio and Benon and few others.

But the question is… what’s wrong with so-called performers, who pose as singers while marauding as con artists from Uganda and guys like R. Kelly?

Ugandans also got a dose of their own medicine. R. Kelly, the pedophile had a pre-mature ejaculation on them smtime last year. The guy jerked shampoo-like stuff on their faces, thick and fast.

Uc, its one thing to have a voice-Larry King has one. But again, it’s another singing. It’s all together different to perform. Juliana flew all the way from Uganda and could do neither. What a shame, sucker!

Now we have Ragga Dee whose cuming soon. Oscof, we don’t know what the future holds when he gets here.

He is performing on 21st of August here in Pretoria.
Venue: Denver Hall, Corner Pretorius and DuToit
Fee: R200 Ordinary and R300 VIP.

I am attending despite all the above spoof!
Cu!

Women's Day: Rachel n Frank's Birthday braai and True Story night gig...

A lot many people around the world don’t realise how important it is to have women on top. 

Sm just can’t simply fathom the whole idea of a woman on top, be it in office, at home, in the kitchen or even at the sports ground. Oscof, this is especially so of men.

Bt this kind of stereotype can only be blamed on the missionaries like John Hannington Speke. They came pretending to be looking for rivers that flow massively thereby coming up with their own style of spreading the word. Where they got it from…God knows! 

They argued that women tend to get tired easily while on top, they also tend to suffer from acrophobia and they are more likely to feel shy while up there. 

There is no doubt their style is to look down on women …hee! hee!

Today things are a hell lot different. Some of the best roughriders are women. Also some of the best screwdrivers of buses are women and so are bus riders.

In essence, what men can do, women too, can. Just go to the ladies bathrooms in many of the hangout places, u will find them peeing while standing. Some oscof use vuvuzelas to target properly. Ha!

Govt's around the world led by the ladies' man Mr.Jacob Zuma, hv also come to the table. They have declared women’s day which intentionally (sic) falls on 8th March. 

Here in South Africa it’s on the 8th of August-this weekend which will automatically make Monday a pubic (Ha!)Holiday! Long weekend indeed for women to be on top!!!

So to celebrate these beautiful creatures that fell from heaven like manna, massive parties await for all party animals:

1. Rachel, (u know Edward Mukwaya...?) together with Frank-in-law, (Dont disappoint, invite all those MEDUNSA chics) are having a massive birthday braai this Saturday at Queenswood, their country home. Food and meat will be on the house in the house and at the house. But, come with yo bloody drinks. Time=2pm.

2. Then True Story Entertainment will later in the night (9:30pm) fire up the dance floor at Just Cuban, Hatfield nxt to Brooklyn Police Xenophobia. For a paltry R30, DJ Mark and DJ Malusu (I love the guys name) will spin the vinyls passing out sound like no other. According to the info from the loud mouth reaching my silent ears; the first 150 ladies to cum will each get a free glass of Cuban wine! Now what the fuck is Cuban wine? May be Fidel Castro’s pee...hee! hee! The guy can wee, eh!

All are invited. Ugandans, Kenyans, Tzanians (no private parts), Darfur, Congolians, Zimbos, Malawians, Mzansi's Angolians, Gerians, Ghanana Republic etc

NOTE: A boring braai/party is way much better than a boring house eagerly waiting for a phone call from cheats!

Cu!

No more Sex in Uganda until the Somalis have left!

We all know how most Ugandan girls are crooks, if nt all! And a very good number of us accept that they are not pretty unless they are Rwandese.

But in the wake of Al Kebab talks I wonder how these crooks are coping. 

Uc, being used to a life of a man taking u out for a drink and u ask for a whole bar, being used to a life of man taking u out for a platter of pork muchomo and u ask for a whole pig, being used to a man taking u out for a movie and u ask for a plasma screen, being used to a man taking u out for a Sunday walk and u ask your fellow girlfriends to tag along…

I wonder what life is like; now that bars are empty and lights are on in nightclubs...hee! hee!

A Ugandan girl will ask u for fresh coconut juice. U bring granadilla, she will thank u for having taste. Hee! Hee!

Altho’ it’s so sad that a hell lot of people lost their lives while parting; for every tragedy there is a flip side to it.

Men in Uganda must be breathing a sigh of relief for a few days after the bombings. They must have saved a lot of dimes by not taking out the girls. I am sure some could have raked in a few hundreds shillings for their retirement. 

And for some reason, parties in Uganda are like war. Atlst all the attributes of war can be located at any outing. 

Partying in Uganda can lead to death. At least in the wallet which to me is as good as dead. Women go out to finish off any breath and sanity a man is having at the time. After all they can always meet another who is still on his deathbed.

She will collect airtime from hundreds of others lovers to buzz and buzz until u give in to an outing. Then she will hound u for a new dress until u sell your car. It’s tough being a Ugandan man in Uganda. The hardest citizenship any man could ever ask for. 

Ugandan girls wake up to horoscopes. Yes! That Zodiac garbage. And as fate would have it, most horoscopes in Uganda point at “…Ur a lucky lady today. U need to find your luck in that dream man…” And there havoc begins. She goes out on a rampage until the dreams are realised… 

And they are unavoidable! For starters, she will show u her knickers and when u reach to touch there, she says tomorrow. Ouch! Fingers burnt! Meanwhile she is busy swallowing a whole leg of a pig.

So a fool like me, I will wait for sunrise…and the story goes on like that!

Then the following day, she comes with another trick... One breast is falling out…oooh! la! la! U try to kiss, then she will be like, “Boss, later in the evening…” 

That evening, the leaking begins…uc, Hanny, the tomato sauce…its that time! Eh!

And trouble is; in the presence of a looming prize like sex, its nt easy to learn anything. If anything, one forgets everything.

But then again, the cost of not taking out a girl is so high! U wont eat! U will starve and starve and not until she’s eaten. It the curse that man inherited from eve.

So it’s very possible right now most Ugandan men are paying. They are regretting why the govt elected to send troops to Somalia. And I support the calls to withdraw just to save the manhood of our men.

Postponing sex is simply postponing a hard-on and in the end its postponing pain. Period. Trouble is, the pain won’t go away! It’s the happiness that will!

Enjoy your week!

Thank you all!

For reasons entirely unclear, I have always enjoyed parties in the bush. May be coz I get to pee anywhere without the hussle of qing. 

It’s also possible that when u chat up a girl, things can easily be sorted out there and then without any fear of climbing steps and her refusing along the way…hee! hee! 

Last night, while at Inkwazi Country Club, I had a vision; that all people shd quit organised religion, organised pubs, organised restaurants and organised women and try out the opposite. Go have a party at Inkwazi…Very rewarding!

It was the AUPSA (Association of Ugandan Professionals in South Africa/ organised migrant labourers) hand-over of an empty bank account. 

The new committee chaired by Mr. Allen Muton (proprietor of Inkwazi) was taking over from the old committee were I was partially responsible for PR but did extremely nothing coz I didn’t have a clue on what my job entailed. 

And in strange twist of fate, I was re-elected in the same position proving that however stupid George Bush was, people still loved him and re-erected him. So it’s up to u to pick who’s stupider…

We drove on sm anorexic road till we reached the boma. There was a borne fire and a braai stand. Everyone converged by the burning logs with scenes reminiscing Survivor
Al Kebab.

We danced K’naan, ate meat, paid our respects to all those victims of the bombings in Kampala, drank alcoco (hee!) and peed in our pants. Some guy also tried to steal a red- hot burning log coz he wanted to light a cigarette but dint want to walk back to the boma…hee! hee! …evidence that anything is possible.

Guys cracked so many jokes that at one point sm guy tore his left mouth due to extreme laughter. What a joke…hee! hee!

So good was the atmosphere that I want to thank the following: 

Jenny Ntabgoba, the high-voltage smiler, Irene and the 3 cute girls who survived me, but shd be pursued seriously by any serious dancer, Cirrus the cloud guy who reminds me so much of Larry Dramdri, 

David Rwamutemba, Musa Waiswa, George Kanyonza. Peter Mugisha and wifey less by Kagaju, Yvonne Musanase looking healthier than the rest, Stella Ogema spotting a bigger reason to live than a few good women, Ivan Semwanga…

Rachel and Edward Mukwaya who must be at the car washing bay at the time of writing, perils of “snow-white shoes” on a dusty road (nice new ride, Mr.), Frank and his Potassium Permanganate colleague who live for nothing but life in Limpopo, hee! hee!

Mr., James Oketch, Kato Ronald beaming with his Beyonce, Charles Mugerwa fresh from Europe, and your UN attaché, Irene Namugaya, Twino, Stella Nambalirwa the new admin secs for AUPSA, Dave Iraka and his beau, Bale Kirwana who kept looking at the moon to see whether its curfew time… 

Dr. Kaggwa Martin who did a sterling job in firing up the cold fire and braaing, Rhona Himbisa, Mr. John Mpungu, 

And a lot so many other friends whose names I keep forgetting for no apparent rzn except forgetting…

Thank you all for cumin. Keep cumin till rivers run dry.

Yours truly, 
Kasirye Hannington.

Association of Ugandan Professionals in South Africa. (http://www.facebook.com/l/fcb56ObA35srAHxmaoPsVElZo-w;www.aupsa.org.za)

Morning! Under the stewardship of a new chairman, Mr. Mutono Allen, AUPSA is re branding itself as the number one umbrella of Ugandan professionals in South Africa.

A new committee has just been elected into office. Its taking over the reigns from the previous committee which has done a sterling job in laying a solid foundation for the organisation

2moro is the hand-over ceremony which will be brief and to the point. The venue is in Inkwazi and all are invited. Its a bring n braai too.

There will also be a moment of silence of the victims of Al Kurly Hair bombers from Somalia. Not even birds in the tree will be allowed to make noise.

I also take this opportunity to call on all Ugandans of South Africa origin by birth and female in private parts to come be part of the new committee...

Ladies like Stella Nabikonge, Dr. Livinia Lumu, Maude Kaweesa, Tina Luboyera, Barbara Sentongo, Fiona Muwanula, Jackie and Sheila Kabugujjo, Grace Mukasa, Sandra Lisa and many others are all encouraged to come join and take up pole-positions (hee!).

With Xenophobia in SA and Al Kurly Hair in Uganda, AUPSA is the only shelter God has provided to protect His migrant labourers and their offspring's...Amen!

Visit http://www.facebook.com/l/fcb56ncl-rCzLtqdWSs1q84UQlQ;aupsa.org.za or join the facebook group.

Sanki you!
Kasirye Hannington (Marketing Officer).

Al Kebab mourning this Sarudtay, 4pm at Inkwazi.

While fetching firewood, this morning, govt officials stopped me and asked where I was taking it...

I replied that "I am planning a night vigil at my flat on 306 How Much street to honour my dead brothers and sisters of Al Kebab bombings Kampala."

The govt warned me that setting up a fire inside a council flat is akin to terrorism. I might end up burning the whole building...

I protested arguing that I have a running water which I wd use as a fire extinguisher.. They couldn't take non of that.

For that reason, I move the braai to Inkwazi. Come with your meat and drinks on Saturday at 4pm. Thrz a boma at Inkwazi and that's where we will set up the night virgin.

Come with your hymn books and tears for shedding.

My sincere condolonces to Holland and Uganda

Bomb blasts are rocking Kampala like a popcorn-vending machine with the death toll currently standing at 64 plus...

I would wish to extend my sincere condolences to the many are affected and infected, inflicted and afflicted (hee! hee!).

This group has many members presently in Uganda who are holidaying coz they couldn't afford world cup tickets (broke idiots) but like partying and groupies. I sincerely hope ur all fine.

Look out for each other and make sure everyone is safe plus pliz join me for a memorial braai at my flat this Saturday. Come with tears, meat and a drink.

May God be with u all
Amen.

Take-A-Killer Party tonight at Just Cuban, Hatfield.

Helping women overcome pornography addiction is one of the most difficult jobs I have ever done…

It’s a tough job, guys! Tough in a sense that; during presentations, one needs to use slides of naked men and women in order to hammer points home.

Most participants in my class (Pornography Anonymous), are always relaxed by the looks of faces altho’ seemingly tense from below up to the bottom. Topics like masturbation are very popular esp. if stuff is had to come by.

On top of that, it’s a man doing the whole talking. Oscof, one is likely to end up messing everything and screwing the whole class.

Now, as if such a task wasn’t tough enough, then a tall man (founder of TRUE STORY ENTERTAINMENT) asks me to advertise a party for him a few hours before it kicks off…And as soon as I hang up the phone, I ask myself “What’s wrong with fuckin' human beings?”

Why would u invite black people just seconds before the DJ arrives…That’s if he also cums on time. Hee! hee!

Is it bcoz the party is at night and most black people in SA perform better under the dark…or is it a natural response to pigmentation? I wonder…

The answer is, most of the targeted audiences to this party are the young and restless youth, Hatfield has ever seen. Ugandans, Kenyans, Tanzanians, Rwandese, Zimbos, Nigger from Nigerians, Ghanaians and Mzansi’s and culry hair men from Somalia.

Ugandans lead the packet coz they are more likely to party at anytime and in any place and with anyone… Proud n loud!!

But judging from the last party this very young man (Ikote Brian) hosted, the crowd is likely to be Africans. I am talking abt Kenyans, Zimbos, Ghana Suarez, Angolians, Congolians and Rwandese.

And the venue is Just Cuban, in Hatfield close to a police station.

Someone needs to be attacked by xenophobia 2nite. And somebody needs to deny that it was just Africans on top of their brothers and sisters… Criminal elements. Blah, Blah, Black Sheep...

It’s running from 8pm, a few seconds from now to 12 midnight. It’s also called the Take-A-Killer Party which is spelt Tequilla. 

R30 per enter…altho’ free entrance for ladies till 9pm and free shots of Take-A-Killer from 9-11pm. I will take mine in church 2moro!

DJ Mark Muwanguzi and DJ Malusu will entice us…
Come one, come all!

T-SHIRTS: T-shits, T-shots t-shouts!!

This FIFA Soccer Cup has brought out something abt clothes esp. t-shirts. Everyone everywhere is putting on a t-shirt.

Altho’ I have never understood quite clearly why they don’t allow soccer players to put on office shirts after all they are working; I do understand why t-shirts shd become office wear!

Now, when it comes to clothes, on any given day; I tend to wear anything I find in my wardrobe. There’s even a time I put on left-over French knickers bcoz it looked exactly like my boxers.

In winter, it’s even worse. I sometimes wear one sock on the head to keep warm. Hee! Hee! Then when it comes to the feet, they don’t hv to match as long as the trouser can cover everything.

Uc, t-shirts are man’s second best partner after dogs. This is becoz, they don’t have many buttons unlike shirts. I once had a shirt with seventeen buttons. I kept losing one-by-one till eventually I turned into a night gown.

And like any normal person, they tend to out number all other clothes in my wardrobe. But there comes a point in a man’s life when he can no longer be able to wear a t-shirt.

He needs to put on one and still be able to see his sausage tree without leaning forward…hee! hee! The moment your stomach blocks you; ur in trouble. But again why look there when u can touch n feel it… Hey! Can u feel it…? Most single lonely girls do just that.

T-shirts are like women. Doctrine of signature-appearance indicates use…
And unlike shirts which are worn by govt conmen and bank crooks, one can use a t-shout to announce a party. “I have the pussy, so I call the shots” hee! hee!

U can even draw a decapitated head of Obama on a t-shirt and hang it as a painting in your house.

I can also use a t-shirt to wipe my shoes after which I mop my nose and thereafter clean my microwave. By that time, its oscof, a bit dirty then I throw in the dustbin.

But please if one has a big stomach, rather put down your house curtain and put on that, instead. There is nothing as whack as a pregnant man wearing a bafana bafana jersey.

And if you are a middle-aged man, please don’t tuck in… u do, u’ill look like you want to enter another man. Period!

True also is that a t-shirt has to be expensive. Cheap t-shirts are fine if they are worn by Kenyan men or given out for promotional purposes. Say for example, the gov’t wants more votes from the poor or if one is planning to spend a night in a brothel.

But also colour matters. Most black t-shirts are supposed to be worn by back-up singers and people who carry loud speakers. Ok may be also Zimbabwe migrants.

Enjoy your weekend!