2010 HATFIELD SEXUAL SURVEY

Meaningless sex is better than meaningful celibacy, according to the World Cup 2010 end of year poll conducted by Hanningtonsbraai.

Most of the respondents were foreign affairs studying and living in South Africa.

They were the sleaziest from Kenya, Tanzania, Uganda, Rwanda, Congo and Zimbos!

This was discovered after many girls and boys were asked about the sexual life of studying and living in South Africa.

Many agreed, they would rather engage in meaningless hammering in order to spice up their stay in a harsh and unforgiving yet great country.

But they emphasized that the sex is always discreet in order to protect their moral fibres imported with them from home. Yes! imported with them...

Those women who are lucky enough to have creamy pies; morality is always getting in the way-a constant battle of a sort.

And usually as it often happens, the creamy pie wins.

Many argued that its coz the creamy pie is a powerful kink-o-meter, tough to control especially in the presence of love (disputed), the cold winter nights, and the large cocktails served in Newscafe.

One girl even went as-far-as attributing it to the food (spare ribs hee! hee!) saying that that’s why even the local girls are sex- crazed.

But the highlight of the study is that many respondents especially Ugandans admitted that the "meaningless sex is rife and actually meaningful"

"We usually do it after braais (something meaty!!), in Stones (pigsty), and whenever we at our balls (oops!) halls of residence"... Namichila, said.

"Hannington, its tough spending the whole year crossing the legs yet one can get-away with it if done discreetly"

"...and the good thing is that our boyfriends back at home understand the situation.

So asked "isn’t that cheating...?" "Yes, Hannington, it is but its not like he's is going find out"

For Tanzanians (crack-heads), on top of the desire to be dominated, spanked, they like it in the rear, something that one Mwalimu agreed that "is the best"...Sies!

Most Kenyans (Migingo Islands) agreed that cheating on your partner is the best way of solving relationship woes, something I fully agree with.

Whereas most Ugandan men agreed that if there's no kiss by the end of the first date, there's clearly no chemistry and I'm moving on.

Rwandese succulent mango-girls agreed that they are always tight-marked by their fellow Rwandese men, a symbol of protectionism.

But one girl named Tulikumana said, "...it’s just a waste of time. We are slippery Kigali nipples who enjoy breaking loose any minute."

Asked about the whole garbage of love, there was a chorus of admission that it’s the greatest human stupidity ever... but all agreed that it’s over rated and quite a painful thing for no clear reasons!

One shocking part of the survey was a girl from Sudan who puts sugar inside herself to make sure that her boyfriend stays around... Mhmm! Sugar inside yourself...? Why not tomato paste?

A guy from Congo complained that he doesn't seem to get the respect he deserves from his neighbours simply becoz his girlfriend is so loud!

ASSOCIATION OF UGANDAN PROFESSIONALS IN SOUTH AFRICA

Everybody knows the rules of a party... eat before you leave!

And this will apply fearlessly tomorrow at the AUPSA (http://www.aupsa.org.za/) end of year function.

I swear, no Ugandan community organisation is more effective at bleeding direction and purpose than the above mentioned.

For the past 2 years, AUPSA (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=121250951785) has been home to hundreds of Ugandan corporate rat racers, skirt chasers, entrepreneurs, and all sorts of individuals.

Grateful for having a life; these folks have perfected the “spirit of community gatherings”.

AUPSA is a consolidated gang of hipsters high on Crackberries facebooking, sipping champagne, playing scrabble and busy going forward.

Although, it’s non-political, many members’ debate humungous groundbreaking ideas, only matched by no other.

Soulful meetings where business ideas are exchanged, employment prospects are laid bare etc, AUPSA is the name of the game.

Here you will find engineers who concretised global infrastructures, lawyers who defend the indefensible, sick medical doctors, broke financial gurus, artists, NGO experts, web gurus (Mugisha Peter), accountants whose skills in cooking facebooks are heavens etc.

It’s also a haven of many young corporates too busy cooperating with their bosses; they don’t have the time to find a partner, date or later on sit down and enjoy an ice cream.

They turn to AUPSA and in exchange, they meet their matches thereby flushing down the curse of loneliness.

Over-done filthy bachelors who are waiting for Mrs. Right to appear...? AUPSA welcomes all.

But one will also meet pretty and content women.

Most living an affluent life, driving their Vulvas (oops! Volvos); these girls know what they want. Question is ... “why can’t u get it?”

It’s also the cultural melting pot of Ugandans, accommodating all sorts of accents, noses, buttocks and heads.

Some have families to take care of while others have bonds to look after.

So come be party to this group. For only R100, life will never be the same again.

Food, a cash bar, braai and a jumping castle... all awaiting.

Tomorrow, one lucky bastard will also win a return air ticket to Uganda, a weekend sleeparound at Inkwazi Guest House, and lots of other prizes to give away.

Venue is Indzawo Guest House, Glen Austin, Midrand, 322 Van Riebeck Road.

Time is 2pm till morning.

Cu

Your sex guide to December holidays!

We live in a sex-obsessed society. Everywhere u enter its sex, sex and more sex. But what’s wrong with this?

If u don’t want and tired, go to some other society, somewhere where dogs just stare at each other.

Sex is a function of biology and evolution, so it’s fair we meet and fulfill all the urges whether with your girlfriend or not. (Me, I have one so no time to be funny, hee! hee!)

Now, in small towns of Hatfield, Sunnyside and other supplying points; at this time of the year life starts slowing down like boiling milk removed from the fire.

It’s that time of the year when the rolling of eyes is done for now until new products are brought on the shelf, next year.

January is a time for the fresh doughnuts from the villages all over Uganda and statements like “nga uve changed!” A polite way of saying uv grown fat and ugly with slight wrinkles.

Students, many who have spent the whole year acting porn, while others been rejected by boys for entirely clear reasons…are done with exams and busy packing for far-away lands where there's no even access to facebook.

But it’s also time to brush up the American accents ready for Effendy’s and Zanzi the pig joint. Yes, order for pork chops in an Afrikanner-American tongue.

For many black children, from the rest of Africa, it’s the last time to bite bread mixed with meat and nivea like stuff called mayonnaise.

But how abt those who can’t and don’t want to go home?

Here is your guide to a blissful December holiday:

Uc, South Africa can tend to be a lonely plot, during x-mass. For boys, it’s even worse coz all the naked girls are gone.

But over time, I have learnt, meaning to life is as far as one wants to find it.

You don’t have to hit the pedals because he or she is out of sight…. If anything, time to explore new routes, time to check out new sights and sounds, and a time to rediscover yourself.

I have also learnt that just as there are girls who quit the suburban male race, hundreds are ready to come to the big cities for some excitement.

All they want is accommodation and be ready to tour around. The topics of conversation with such girls’ shd be abt shopping malls, bumping into soapie stars, and a good time.

If you have been longing to take a road trip to the land of pretty women, (Eastern Cape), this is the time. Forget Cape Town, Durban, blah, blah… EC is the place.

With 2 dozens of wellington boots, you will have a truly amazing experience. Life is cheap (and indeed can be cheap if ur not careful) while there.

Xhosa women can be a festival of a sort. Burning and sensational in all ways. They know how to care of a needy man.

Don’t miss. If u need connections, I have quite a number of contacts there (remember I once worked in the then University of Transkei).

Just come to the braai this Saturday, then will scroll in my wallet. Hee!

AFRIGO BAND: Ugandans in South Africa to hold referendum on what time a concert should start.

We all know keeping time is the most difficult thing, harder than buying a wrist watch.

But for some reason it becomes harder when one is Ugandan...

And this was no more evident than at the Afrigo Band concert.

It’s Saturday 6 Nov., I had just come back from picking samosas from Curry Mucherville, in Labium (oops! Ladium) when the clouds started pissing on my head.

As usual, at this time of the year, the spring heat of Pretoria was busy assaulting anyone who came face-to-face with it.

Then at around 4pm, the body count started, one-by-one heading into Rembrandt Hall Arena of the University of Pretoria.

As evident in the parking lot, all human interactions has been stripped down to materialistic components; big cars, crying blackberries, sounds of high heels pounding the medieval concrete... Ugandans know best to live!

It's a mixed crowd of largely the old faithfuls; some as old as the mighty band itself, who like it live...Hmmm! Who have never bought into the whole concept of Cd's... Think big!!

A scene of festive commotion brewing and for the organisers, the pulses start pounding; apprehensive as to what to expect.

But again a time to be "real men" and be ready to live with any consequences anticipated or real.

It’s also the fatigue that’s visiting on everyone who’s part of this: Dr. Lubega, Dr. Wasswa (Financiers), CharlesMugerwa (Director PAMATA), Julius Kyakuwa (Creative Director and Artistic guru-PAMATA) Ronnie Nsubuga(Sound and Light Engineer) and myself, publicity and marketing.

All the above, are highly talented and focused individuals apart from the last chap…

Even with the scores of events I have been part of, Afrigo tour was on another level. I am already, tired and exhausted.

It’s a 16-band member (oops! the other way other round, member band), who have been in the business of show business for over 30 years.

Surely, such guys know what they want. How the stage should be set-up. They are clued up on what to do… They have been there and done it all.

But this is a virgin territory, a new place never seen before. It’s South Africa, the United States of Africa and the Europe of the black continent and the UN crime capital.

A place where partying, clubbing and having a good time is woven in every inhabitant. The most favoured country on the continent by international artists and bands.

For those who had not bought their tickets earlier, the raids on the wallets is about to begin; and it’s not a cheap concert for sure.

But as the clock ticks to the final hour of the start, the initial joy is fading, it's panicking…real challenges kick in.

Computicket, the guys charged with selling and issuing of door-tickets are nowhere to be seen. Bloody idiots!

The guys charged with catering are also no where in sight. Some hungry revellers are seen chewing cud, while others sucking their thumbs.

I quickly set up a canteen behind to try capitalise. I had my samosas and mandazi ready. I had gotten my microwave from the house.

I asked friends (Emmy, Tendo and Winnie) who had not yet arrived to come with some drinks and snacks. We will make a killing, I suppose. They responded on time and there we were doing it like typical immigrants.

But guys are hungry and thirsty and while being part of the organisers, I am ready to walk around with a basket full of drinks and and snacks.

They are waving placards like "We need a drink to enjoy a concert" and others "My wife refused to cook me last night, I will eat some one else"

More questions hover for the organisers: What next, shall we pull this off and the big one “Will Afrigo mirror Juliana (graveyard thriller) who so many Ugandans in South Africa loathe/hate for her terribly poor performance”

Surely, the night is further from over. No time to relax.

It's exactly 8pm and the show is underway. I bounced/clapped/sang and cheered in my seat while scrutinizing every aspect of the show.

But the crowd is too distant from the band. It's easy to see the space between... not how bands are supposed to play out.

Pretty much every track they played sounded ace, but in particular Obangaina by Rachel. The guys are busy nailing the crowd.

Everyone of the dream chasers seems alive and twilighting. Carnage on the dance floor.

As usual, cash is thrown on the stage. One gentleman asks for a song "Man U (Manchester United) and tags R500 on it. Its played out.

But many also considered the hall as not the best for a live band. The musicians apparently like to be this close to their audience, too.

They argued that "The proximity of a huge surging crowd apparently has a galvanising effect on the finest musicians. It makes them play out their skins"

Concert goers need to feel that hurricane blasts of noise from the sound of guitars to accentuate showmanship.

But it's 2 hours into the show and although the VIP is overflowing, the numbers on the dance floor are not a good count! Where are the rest?

Word has it, a large section of the community live a cockroach life. Night-owls who think and act best in the night.

So starting a concert at 8pm is way too early for them. Most of them want it at least at midnight...What? Yes, around 12...!

Most of these are the witch doctors who by-the-way are more reliable spenders and likely to fire-up any flagging show.

Others are astute smart entrepreneurs who run their own businesses and truth be told, have some how made it by all accounts.

They might not have the best name, but at least they do possess the most cash and the more time.

The end is nearing. Security is getting ready to clear the arena.

And alas, at 10:30pm, the show is done... a sort of premature ejaculation.

The white man who owns the venue and part of the agenda, needs go home, so shd black man with the exception of the guard.

I am given a few minutes to announce the after-party at Just Cuban, Hatfield. DJ Mark is busy the other sidegetting ready to slaughter anyone who gets close to him.

But outside the venue, hundreds of faithfuls were queueing to enter... and it's coming to 11pm.

And the question is "Whats wrong with Ugandans and time keeping?

Some were holding manuals with common titles like "101 ways of getting into festivals for free" and others just seemed lost.

They cry foul... Some complaining why the so called professionals venture into areas they don't know.

It's clear, the happy and satisfied are glowing while the rest look dejected.

The after-party with Afrigo's presence was so packed and good that its possible it assuaged some peoples' anger.

Bottomline: While the band played to a crowd of 427 people, for 2 and half hours non-stop, the venue was a wrong choice. Security was overhyped. Ambulance was not needed.

Cheers!

AFRIGO BAND ALIVE IN SOUTH AFRICA

Nature relies on instinct and so do peoples and their music.

On the 6^th of Nov, 2010, (this week) as the sun sets on the lush green lawns of University of Pretoria Sports ground, music and dance will once again be the centre of attraction.

It won’t be the usual hannington’s braai (facebook group) that have long been the tradition of the place.

Instead, it will be a mother of all shows, a performance and possibly a music fest never seen before.

Afrigo Band, Uganda’s oldest and most celebrated band will be performing live for the first time in South Africa.

Right inside Rembrandt Hall at the Tuks Sports ground, it will only be entertainment and sound.

A band which has been voted number one in Uganda and other parts of the world as the most popular by demand, opinion and by popular vote will dazzle all.

A 16-person line-up of cult personalities like lead singer and front-man Moses Matovu, then Joanita Kawalya, Rachael Magoola, Eddy Yawe and Congolese dance specialists; a glorious night awaits all revelers.

This will also double as a grand launch of PAMATA (Pan African Music And Theatre Arts), local dance, theatre and arts group. Visit www.pamata.co.za

It promises to be a scorching performance on the hottest night of the South African party calendar.

Keyboard maestros, accomplished saxophonists, the Jimmy Hendrix re-incarnations massaging the guitars, fine drummers complimented by gorgeous voices; this will be a night of hip-swinging and life-enhancing splendour.

A music extravaganza with a typical sense of African rhythm; this promises to set everyone on fire. Miracles will happen... Those unable to shake their waists will rise up and feel the beat.

With huge singles like Speed, Jim, Obangaina, Amazzi g’enyama to their latest hits..., this only once-in-a-life time show will rock everyone.

The question is: Where will you be when history is unfolding? Why short-change yourself to a lukewarm evening when you can actually celebrate life like never before?

Come live rent-free for a whole night on a floor that will explode into a raging dance fest of drums, reggae and afro pop!

If you have so little in terms of financial wealth; but so rich in spirit of togetherness, then for only R300, this will be an unforgettable night.

Special sitting for those who wish to be pampered will come at a cost of R500.

And if you are a scholar, for R150 only, you will have the best end-of-year party.

All these categories are available at all Computicket outlets countrywide, though doing it fast might save you from any regrets!

For me there has been only one BAND overs years that has remained transfixed in sheer perfection, great voices that come piercing through the illusion of daily life, its beauty and challenges. AFRIGO BAND...

Cu later in the week!

hanningtonsbraai.blogspot.com: Comments are welcome!

The many articles I have written (HANNINGTON'S BRAAI facebook group) over time have drawn widespread comments in my inbox. Some positive some negative, hot and cold.

That's fine. In fact, its healthy to comment on anything.

I have been advised by some to take up writing, while others remind me how gifted I am like I don't know whats in my pants...hee! hee!

A few have been advised to hook up with guys like Sagara, Ernest Bazanye, and Timothy Bukumne, but not any women. Sad!

Guys like Appolo, Bukenya Moses, Emmy, Tendo, Craig, Kato, Shema, Felix, Bale, Stella Nambalirwa, Allen, David, Peter, Kiyingi (I have never mate), Moe in Canada, Sharon, Emma, Mubiru Edward (Botswana), Grace Mukwaya (hannington, ur wasting your talent...), Judith, Ikote, Jackie, Edgar Katiti and so many others... Ur the reason why I am still passing out these windy messages

It's also true, people have kicked me out of their networks (facebook) coz of the offensive, controversial, bigotry and abusive language I use.

I have been rebuked, ridiculed and even called a "not fit for a dog's breakfast" by some ugly woman in Cape Town who I suspect sleeps with her dog.

Others think I need psychiatric evaluation... Who doesn't?

One member thinks I might be a good screw while another thinks I suffer from premature ejaculations...hee! hee!

One even thought I was married..."Hannington don't you fear your wife reading this"

"Hannington, do u realise ugot family...Can u imagine what Napo feels when she reads this...blah, blah

Hannington's braai has even two departed souls (R.I.P) who I think about every other day!

These are people who will never "leave" this group. And I will never stop celebrating them...

But some are also eagerly waiting for the kind of woman I will marry coz I am so harsh on ugly girls...But it's not my fault!

In fact I don't know why such don't also wait for God who created these creatures... Why me?

But friends, its all fine and healthy. In fact I don't mind meat some at street corners and other in my shower-hour and I sort them out...

Hannington's Braai as a groupie, I must admit, has and is a success phenomenal.

It brings me immense pride and joy. I engineer statements and twist grammar without any worry.

But it also brings me pressure especially when I take long to write. I meat people who ask me "When is the next article...?

It even has members I have never mate...hee! hee!

There are arnd 30 people who I actually don't know and are not even my friends on facebook although one day I am sure I will meat them in hell...

Many have been longing for a blogging site where they can freely express themselves.

hanningtonsbraai.blogspot.com.

Some garbage written still needs to be uploaded. Uc its a lot of trash!

Otherwise enjoy so far whats on your plate... hee! hee!

I thank you! Keep reading!

Uganda Society Dinner: Thank you all!

Some parties are indeed designed to put a smile on your face.

You will look forward to it, prepare for it and attend it without a second thought.

And when you are on it just like….you all know, you see why “it’s so nice living and that why life is so good”

A beautiful well decorated Inkwazi Country Lodge-which by the way keeps growing and changing by sunrise was the scene of one of the best parties of 2010-2ND Annual Uganda Society Dinner.

Pretty-legged Kim Kardashian-bottomed girls with golden brown thighs contrasted in black, red, satin blue stylish evening dresses expensively-looking as ever roaming the lush well pedicure and manicured lawns.

These girls all looked so great and inviting, seemingly ready-to-play like kittens on a Turkish-fur rug.

And I am saying this coz Uganda girls tend not to be hot. They have that habit-perfected over generations of a cold front hanging in both their faces and mouth.

They have that facial-habit of “I won’t give you until I get to know your parents”. 

"U are not my favourite horoscope so we can’t kiss…" "U can’t stand so close to me coz people will think u want to enter me…" blah, blah and that sort of garbage.

But that Saturday night was all different! They all looked firely, lively and on the go. Succulent faces were all over.

These same green lawns also hosted scores of prickly men in black suits and fat wallets ready to mingle and bingo. 

Many were responsible for the mean machines paraded like it was Jacob Zuma and his cabinet.

Meanwhile the team behind the scenes Alma, Patricia and President Kazoora were busy doing their thing-rummaging through, chocolates cakes, gifts and making sure all is well.

The best dressed girl Keliza was worthy the present and I am sure Roland complimented her with another massive one. 

Past President Natacia Mpanga who initiated the idea was also mugged with a present. Quincy in his penis-erect tie scooped the best dressed male.

I also received one for refusing to grow up and preying on innocent students even when I know they are not yet ready! Hee! Hee! I am so humbled and thank you.

Defiant DJ Mark spinning up the hits right behind the machines smiling and humbly-looking as usual.

In all fairness, such scenes are not usual in today’s times of recession and persistently low quality people.

The Kenyan delegation of 8 led by Mr. Rottock Tall, entrepreneur and brains behind Expatriate magazine (wonderful, wonderful stuff) with his hot Carol…Oh! Carol… graced the occasion. Three other hot Kenyans girls spiced the event. 

This is a vote of confidence given they were coming from their own societal dinner.

But why are good MC’s so scarce? Is it coz of facebook/ twitter or …. The genes of wonderful and humorous MC’s is depleting.

And again, why is rice so difficult to cook? Chinese and many others flat-iron bottomed squinted eyed Orientals are all over. Surely, the chef shd have contacted the Chinese embassy.

It was indeed a big and successful day. My father, baby sister and brother attended. May be they were proud of me...

Till next year, just stay tuned for AUPSA and Afrigo.
Nice week!